1000 JOKES You Never Could Tell Your Mother

A couple gets married. Forty years later, they’re in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs … and he starts to cry.
She says, “What’s the matter?”
He says, “Forty years ago, I couldn’t wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can’t wait to eat ME!”

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Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
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Q. What are the three words men hate to hear during sex?
A. “Are you done?”
Q. What are the three words women hate to hear during sex?
A. “Honey, I’m home!”
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
*********************************************************************************
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”
Sure enough, the next day the same man is back. He buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
“Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies, “Your house.”

http://www.amazon.com/Ginormous-Book-Dirty-Jokes-X-Rated/dp/1569756600/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1420125038&sr=8-1&keywords=the+ginormous+book+of+dirty+jokes

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